I do not love the bright sword for its sharpness, nor the arrow for its swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend. (J.R.R.Tolkien, The Two Towers)

When I carry a gun, I don't do so because I am looking for a fight, but because I'm looking to be left alone. The gun at my side means that I cannot be forced, only persuaded. I don't carry it because I'm afraid, but because it enables me to be unafraid. It doesn't limit the actions of those who would interact with me through reason, only the actions of those who would do so by force.

Marko Kloos "Why the Gun is Civilization"

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Close Encounters of the Bear Kind AKA Nightmares.com

One of my blogger friends, knowing of my irrational BEAR PHOBIA sent me a copy of the above book. Now whether the timing of this to coincide with the opening of deer season was just a coincidence or a deviously planned act remains to be seen. Whatever the intent, the effect was the same. After reading of horrible, gory, bloody acts of enraged Ursus arctos horribilis and Ursus americanus, of their almost human like need for revenge, and of their uncanny ability to track and find those they have targeted, it is now time once again to sally forth with pepper spray, bib, and fork in my back pocket and beard the bear in his den. If no new posts are forthcoming
from this blog after a reasonable time then mark me 10-42 (ending tour of duty) with score Bears 1...Howard 0.

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At 8:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Something like that is homeopathic, a small dose of the hair of the bear, etc. Now you can consider yourself immune.

Let me check here... ah yes, in Chinese Medicine, bears are considered a "warming" factor, and obviously your blood is overheated... flip... flip... here's the antidote...


Chocolate chip cookies are the remedy, for the cooling of the blood!

I prescribe half a dozen home-made c.c. cookies, taken one on the hour, throughout the afternoon.

At 5:00 PM, Blogger H. Stallard said...

You know...it's funny that you should mention chocolate chip cookies. The sweet lady that sent me the book swore that she had included a baker's dozen of c c cookies but when they arrived all that was in the package was the book and some suspicious looking crumbs on the muzzle of the bear on the cover of the book.

At 7:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, if she's very sweet, I'd surely suspect her of eating the cookies herself and planting the crumbs on the innocent bear. What a hussy. Demand a blood sugar analysis, that's what you should do.

At 8:31 PM, Blogger H. Stallard said...

Blood sugar analysis my foot...I'm charging everyone according to the following code section.

18.2-102 Code of Virginia
Unauthorized use of Chocolate Chip Cookies
Any person who shall take, attempt to take, eat, or attempt to eat chocolate chip cookies not his own, without the consent of the owner thereof and in the absence of the owner, and with intent to deprive the owner thereof of his possession thereof, shall be guilty of a Class 6 felony; provided, however, that if the value of such chocolate chip cookies is less than $200, such person shall be guilty of a Class 1 misdemeanor. Any person or bear who assists in, or is a party or accessory to, or an accomplice in, any such unauthorized taking, attempted taking, eating or attempted eating shall be subject to the same punishment as if he were the principal offender.

At 11:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha! That'll learn 'er! She should know better than to mess with the cookies of a man who's loaded for bear!


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