The DD AKA I'm not drunk Officer, I've only had a couple of 6 packs!!

One evening two officers were engaged in their favorite past time of watching the parking lot of the local night club at closing time in hopes of catching someone DUI (driving under the influence). Their standard procedure was to watch all of the customers coming out and follow the one who seemed to be the most under the influence.

The first guy out the door took two steps and fell flat on his face. He proceeded to crawl to a light pole where with great difficulty he managed to stand back up only to fall again after a few steps. So crawling and pulling himself up car by car he finally managed to get to his own vehicle. Next he fumbled for his keys going through each pocket several times before locating them.

All this time the other customers had been driving off. Several appeared to be intoxicated but nothing like the first guy so the two officers decided to wait on him.

Being the last customer in the club's parking lot, he finally pulled out onto the highway and they immediately blue lighted him. He pulled to the curb and the first officer went to the vehicle while the other called it in to dispatch. On getting the suspect out of his vehicle neither officer could smell any intoxicant about his person. His eyes weren't bloodshot, his speech wasn't slurred and he was rock solid on his feet.

After passing all of the field sobriety tests with flying colors the two officers were dumbfounded. When the first officer asked him what was going on the gentleman replied "Oh, I'm the club's DD." The second officer then replied "The Designated Driver, What the hell does the club need a designated driver for?"

"Oh No", the gentleman said, "Not the designated driver...I'm the club's Designated Decoy!"

Honey...it's made from honey!*

* from The 13th Warrior

Update on Mice in the Pantry

Total count to date is 24 large and small, 13 of those in one 24 hour period. The secret is HONEY. A small drollop on the bait tray and they can't wait for me to set the trap on the floor. Caught one poor unfortunate by hand as it was running back and forth across the counter. They all must have had a sweet tooth.

Mice in the Pantry AKA Watch Out for the Glass Jars!!

When cold weather moves in so do the mice and rats. Some years it’s mostly mice, other years it’s the rats and usually we have a few of both. The dogs Lady, Muffin, and now Sadie have always gone after them with much enthusiasm. I still have several holes and one large trench in the yard that needs to be filled back in. Lady and Muffin always played with the recently departed until the remains were thoroughly scattered over the yard. Sadie prefers to leave them in front of the basement door so that when I go out to feed her each morning she can say “Look what I brought you.”

One year a neighbor two houses over piled their garbage in their back yard all summer long. That fall the rats were so bad that I went hunting with rat shot in the basement. Lots of fun and excitement but make sure the rat isn’t sitting in front of the canned goods in glass jars before you shoot.

A few weeks back we started hearing the familiar scurrying sound inside the walls. I cleaned off the traps baited them with peanut butter and distributed them throughout the house. I’ve always had good luck with peanut butter for bait so I was a little baffled when I didn’t catch anything. Then I started finding the traps sprung with all the bait gone. So switching tactics, I smeared the peanut butter under the bait holder instead of on top of it and caught 2 very tiny mice. Total count so far is 6, all very small. Now I know that mice multiply and grow very fast so I should have been catching at least a few bigger ones. Don’t know if I’ve got an infestation of pigmy mice or a family of extremely trap-wise ones.

Anyway, the other day upon opening the door to the food closet, I discovered that they had once again chewed through the wall and gained access to the stored boxes and bags of food despite our last best efforts to block them out. So last night after 2 hours, 3 garbage bags of contaminated food, several pairs of rubber gloves, a whole box of Clorox Wipes, one can of filler foam, and one tube of caulking, we now have the cleanest and most organized food pantry in town.

Now all I have to do is replace the batteries in my night vision goggles, buy another box of rat shot, and remember to watch out for the glass jars.