I do not love the bright sword for its sharpness, nor the arrow for its swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend. (J.R.R.Tolkien, The Two Towers)

When I carry a gun, I don't do so because I am looking for a fight, but because I'm looking to be left alone. The gun at my side means that I cannot be forced, only persuaded. I don't carry it because I'm afraid, but because it enables me to be unafraid. It doesn't limit the actions of those who would interact with me through reason, only the actions of those who would do so by force.

Marko Kloos "Why the Gun is Civilization"

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Cop Jokes

An overweight cop was in foot pursuit of a robbery suspect. The suspect being young and in good physical shape soon outdistanced the cop. To taunt the cop, he would slow down and wait for the cop to catch up and then take off again. After doing this several times the young suspect turned around to run and ran straight into a hanging flower pot knocking himself out cold. When he came to, the cop was sitting on his chest yelling, "Don't move, you're under arrest"! "Like Hell I am" said the suspect "I'm not under arrest, I'm under a fat cop"!

I'm collecting cop jokes. If you know any good ones, either post them here under the comments or send them to hstallard@yahoo.com and I'll post them for you. Anything goes just keep them reasonably decent.

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At 6:17 PM, Blogger madcapmum said...

I don't know any, but boy, I'm looking forward to this! That was a good one!

At 6:31 PM, Blogger H. Stallard said...

There's another one in my Dec. 04 archive called The DD AKA I'm not drunk Officer, I've only had a couple of 6 packs!!

At 11:42 PM, Blogger Eleutheros said...

Here's a couple:

Cop stops the car where the man is driving and his wife is the passenger.

"I've stopped you because there's no tag on your car."
"I know, officer, I figured I'd get that at the same time I got my drivers license."
The wife interrupts with:
"Don't pay any attention to him, officer, he talks that way every time he gets drunk."


Late at night in south Georgia two good ol' boys pull up to a stop sign and looking about and seeing no one, go right through without stopping.

Sure enough the blue lights appear in the rearview and soon Smoky swaggers up, mirror glasses, the whole works. He leans down to the driver and says:

"It says STOP, boy, not SLOW-and-Go."
"But there was no body there so I figured stop and slowing down was all the same."

Smoky reached into the car and took the driver by the cuff and with his night stick he began beating him on the head, "Now, would you rather I stop or slow down!?"
"Stop! Stop!"

Smoky walked around to the other side of the car and clouted the passenger a knock with the night stick.

"What'd you do that for!"
"I's just ginving you your wish. You were going to get two miles down the road and say to your buddy, 'I wish he'd hit me like that!""


OK one more, you talked me into it.

Cop suspects the good ol' boy is up to something and says to him, "Boy, you got any ID?"

"About what?"


Does this count?

Wildlife officer comes on the woodsman with a pile of falcon feathers and a bird on the spit.

"You can't eat a falcon, they're endangered and illegal. What in the name of heaven has got into you?! Well, seeing as how you've already killed it and cooked it, I've always wanted to know, what does one of them things taste like?"

"Oh, about like Bald Eagle."

At 11:52 PM, Blogger Eleutheros said...

OK, I don't want the Canadians to feel left out:

A tough looking guy comes into the RCMP recruiting station and says he wants to be a mountie. The old colonel, grizzled with a close cropped moustache like frost on a steel trap, fixes him with a steely gaze and says:
"Not just anyone can be a mountie, son, you've got to prove how tough you are."

"Alright, what do I do?"

"This here's a jug of contraband whiskey we confiscated. Drink it all in one guzzle. Then go down to Indian village and have your way with one of the women. Then go out into the woods and wrestle a grizzly bear to the ground."

The recruit tips up the jug and swills the lot in one long drink. He slams the jug down, staggers into the door facing and then is gone into the bush.

Several hours later he shows back up beat all to pieces, scratches and gouges, black eyed, clothes in shreads. He grabs the door facing to hold himself up and says, "OK, now where's the Indian woman you want me to wrestle?"

At 10:01 PM, Blogger Sarah Elaine said...

Good post! And being a Canuck, I especially like that last joke! ;-)

At 5:34 PM, Blogger Clare said...

The President decides he needs to know who is the best agency he has for finding suspects so he devises a test. He takes the CIA, the FBI, and the LAPD and gives them each a 100 acre woodland and tells them to find a rabbit.

The CIA, sets up listening posts, hires raccoon informants, brings satellite surveillance into play. After a month they report to the President, that it is unlikely that there is a rabbit in the woodlot, but if there was it was likely to have weapons of mass destruction.

The FBI comes in and surrounds their woodland, demanding that the rabbit comes out. During the subsequent seige they burn down the hundred acres. Their report blames the rabbit.

After a short while a patrol car from the LAPD pulls up to their woodland. Two officers get out and walk off into the bush. About 15 minutes later they walk out, with a badly beaten bear in handcuffs. The bear is screaming "Okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit.

At 10:57 AM, Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

collecting cop stories has to be a full time job. hey, i read your profile. i went to school in virginia. big stone gap, Va.

At 5:08 PM, Blogger H. Stallard said...

Joe, you never cease to amaze me!!!

What years did you go to BSG?

At 10:26 PM, Blogger Laura said...

I can't think of any jokes right now, but I highly recommend "The Mountie Song" by the Arrogant Worms.

At 10:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

A policeman sees a car weaving all over the road and hits his flashing lights.He walks up to the driver's window and sees a good looking woman behind the wheel. There is a strong smell liquor on her breath.He says,I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.She blows up the balloon and he walks it back to his patrol unit.After a couple of minutes,he returns to her car and says,It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.She replies,You mean it shows that,too?


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